Everything was dredged from the gutter and thrown in my lap.
I’m writing while still upset, so I’m willing to bet I’ll look back on this post and laugh at myself. But right now, I’m pissed.
Practice was a shit-show for a lot of reasons. Not in terms of the A and B teams, who are preparing for bouts and doing a damn fine job of it. No, for the first time ever, I spent all practice feeling an indescribable animosity toward my fellow freshmeat skaters. And I noticed I wasn’t the only one – there seemed to be some unspoken tension developing between us all. I didn’t like it, and mostly it made me fucking angry.
I don’t like going to practice and having to work with other skaters who are only half in it. I understand not having a skill down or having an off day. But it’s the same offenders every time, who aren’t paying attention or trying as hard as I KNOW they can (because I’ve seen it.)
But I’m not going to dive deeper into personal frustrations, as it goes against my own code.
However, I will say that despite my efforts to not let it get to me, it got to me. Mental questions of the night, “How am I supposed to work with my blockers as a jammer if they can’t even work together?” “Why are we not reforming the pack IMMEDIATELY after the jammers get through?” “Why the fuck is she over there?” “Why is she complaining?” “Why are only me and one other player jamming?”
I usually don’t get frustrated to the point of wanting to lash out, but I came close a lot tonight. To our coach and our refs even, who (thank god) read my mood really well and were firm but reassuring throughout the night. I have to give my thanks to my favorite ref tonight, because he really pulled me back from losing my shit when I cut the track like a fucking fool. Thanks dude.
Toward the end of practice, I was jamming, got through the pack with stealth and efficiency, flying fast and feeling good, and had to end it as soon as I got through because I lost a toe-stop. Which, sure, was mildly annoying, no big deal. Except the threading of the screw is completely destroyed to the point where I can’t even get it back into the skate. I bought the fucking things less then 3 weeks ago.
Throw into the mix all the personal bullshit I’m dealing with, and my head is a boiling, bitter stew. Usually derby is my escape from the ‘real world’ stresses. But tonight, it contributed. And I feel like shit.
To end on a positive note, I’m going to the recruitment meeting on Saturday, which means meeting new potential skaters and informing folks about the game. And getting to talk about derby all I want for a while. It should be a relief.